Payback

As I suspect a lot of us do, I have done some research into potential surgeons for my hoped-for gender reassignment surgery. This operation is probably the most well-known and least understood aspects of transsexualism, and I'm not going to get into it right now except to say that, for me, it will be an important step on my road to gaining congruence between my mind and my body.

One of the doctors I looked into lives in Trinidad, Colorado, which is well-known as a transsexual Mecca. I have been there myself, and I recall laughing at jokes about the rumors of sex change operations that theoretically help to drive the town's economy, to my shame. Trinidad gained this reputation in no small part thanks to Dr. Stanley Biber, who began performing gender reassignment surgery in 1969 and kept on doing so until 2003, at which time he gave up his practice. Other surgeons have taken up his mantle now, and it is still a popular destination for women like me. In fact, the web site for the surgeon I was looking at mentions specifically that post-operative women should take the time to visit the Trinidad Social Security office to legally change their gender, because the Trinidad office has a great deal of experience with the process and is likely to do a better job than an Social Security office in your home town.

If I someday am able to take advantage of Trinidad's expertise, I will be availing myself of a service made possible by the many thousands to transsexual women who have gone before me, enduring ridicule of all kinds simply because they wanted to live their lives as themselves, and not as society wanted them to live. And if I am able to profit from the hard work of those who have gone before me, it is difficult for me not to think that perhaps I owe something to the transsexuals who come after me as well.

I am not suggesting that transsexuals have any responsibility to become activists for our cause. The pain and ridicule we all endure as part and parcel of our condition is a heavy enough burden to bear without having to feel the need to go out and add to it. I do not blame any transsexual who, having completed his or her transition (yes, there are many men out there who were born as biological women...it's not a one-way street, despite the assumptions the media often seems to make), decides to settle down and focus on living his or her own life. With the constant question of passing never too far from most of our minds, requiring anyone to give up that hard-earned anonymity would be unfair.

But there are still tens of thousands, or more, of us out there who have no idea who or what we are, who are struggling with our identities in a world that is extremely unfriendly to us. If some of us do not speak up, what will become of them? Some will commit suicide, unable to deal with the conflict between their bodies and minds. Some will live out their lives never knowing why they are unhappy, only knowing that there is something, somehow, wrong with them. And some will be fortunate enough to stumble across the truth about themselves, sooner or later, and with the help of a few friends, or perhaps alone, they will make their way through their new life, where they will have to deal with the many other threats we face: employment discrimination, legal and medical issues designed to deal with only two genders, and the ongoing threat of violence from people who feel that they must destroy that which makes them uncomfortable. Those issues will not go away without effort.

I face a particularly difficult situation myself: my employer, the United States military, does not permit us to serve, at least, not openly. If I hide myself, the military will permit me to stay on, but if I stand up and choose to try and live my life as me, I will be removed from the service as quickly as possible. If I am lucky, I might be permitted an honorable discharge for my service, as if that were a special gift for me, ignoring the fact my service has been quite honorable indeed. While transsexualism is not at all the same as being gay or lesbian, we all face a choice: be ourselves, and don't serve, or live a lie and keep our jobs. I should hope that common decency might suggest to most people that this policy is unjust.

If it were permitted, I could easily continue to serve my country during and after my transition. Although I have served in the combat arms community, very few of the jobs I have had have actually required me to be biologically male. For most of my career, I could have done the same work with the same results even if I had been the woman I am inside. And the military offers many other jobs I could continue to do, if they would let me. Especially in a time of war, what profit is there in the military excluding me from continue service simply because my external gender changes to match my mental gender? Is it just a concern that I will make people uncomfortable? Having served in a combat zone, I'll note only that I think that people who can't handle being around a transsexual are not likely to be good candidates to handle life-threatening stressors like combat.

And so it is I find myself wondering if I might not do all of us a favor by not hiding who I am, but by embracing it. I don't fool myself into thinking that I might somehow change the military's policy on transsexuals by fighting it. If I come out publicly, I will endure a great deal of stress and pain on my way to the same destination: discharge. And yet, in the course of the fight, I just might raise a little awareness of just how foolish and shortsighted this policy is, and what some of the costs of it are. It would not change my situation, but it might change a few attitudes for the better if I did it. I can't change the world; but I might be able to change a few minds, and that doesn't seem like a small thing. The world doesn't change at once, after all. It changes one mind at a time.

The only question is, what would be the price I might pay, and my family might pay, if I were to go that route?

Comments

[MauraHennessey]

"Who's Who" 's Outstanding Mental Health Professional for 2007-08 is a post op who primarily identifies as a Lesbian. Her name is attatched to the case that won the right to sue for EEOC protections under Title VII(Tronetti v TLC HealthNet) as she paid the price for some time and had to claw her way back up her career.