When I first realized I was transgendered, it was a wonderful feeling. That probably sounds odd, but it is the truth. For my entire life, I had known that there was something wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, precisely, but I knew it was there, looming in the background, always undermining whatever I did, a nagging voice in the back of my mind that told me that no matter what I did, I'd still be a failure. To have that influence exposed for what it was, my mind's way of telling me that I was living in the wrong body, was a tremendous relief. For at least a week or so after I came out to myself, I was almost euphoric, accepting myself for who I was.
That doesn't last. Realizing who I am was important, but given my situation, it also presented me with a host of issues. How will my wife react? My family? What do I do about my career in the military? Do I try to make it to 20 years so I can secure a pension, or do I get out as soon as I can so I can transition sooner? If I do get out early, would I be able to find other work to help me pay for my transition? And when can I transition, anyhow? As I suspect most transsexuals do, I feel a strong desire to start transitioning as quickly as reasonably possible. I'm not getting any younger. I probably have 30-40 years of life left, and I would prefer to spend as many of them as possible as Kaija. But the obstacles to actually reaching that point are pretty stiff. So the initial euphoria has faded and been replaced with waves of depression.
I have never been diagnosed as depressive, but there is some history of depression in my family, so I have always been somewhat prone to depression. This sensation is made worse, I believe, by the realities of my situation. It would be nice if, knowing that I am female at heart, all that I need to do now is to take steps to bring my body into keeping with my mind. But that is not as simple as it sounds. Even if I could count on the support of my family and my work, transition is not an easy process. I have lived my entire life as a man; there are so many habits and thoughts I have to unlearn, and so many other things I have to learn, it can be overwhelming at times. Add to that the enforced eight month wait until I can do anything concrete, and despair is rarely far from my mind.
Thankfully, I have a good therapist and a few good friends who have put up with my mood swings through all this. I shudder to think what else we will all have to endure before this is all over.
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